Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Decisions, Decisions

 I’ve been going back and forth on the issue of whether I dare brewing outside on my condo’s shared lawn. The reason I have been going back and forth isn’t neighborly concern (of which I have little.) It’s because of our lurker: The Poodle Nazi.

You all have met people like The Poodle Nazi. They are the little brat tattletales that grow up into spineless weasels with such little self satisfaction in their pitiable lives that they only feel better about themselves when they borrow authority and use it to enforce asinine rules over people who contribute more to society than themselves and are otherwise minding their own business. Is that a long enough sentence for you? I’m not referring to people who write “Wash Me” on dirty cars, I’m talking about people who leave a note on your door that your doorknob is the wrong color and that they will be fining you $100 unless you change it.

I’m not afraid of him and his little rat-dog; in fact, I’m fairly convinced I could hurt him rather badly. My issues with brewing outside are that I don’t want to get fined, and I don’t want to be told to stop while boiling (wasting my ingredients and time.) It’s just a hunch, but I suspect our Poodle Nazi doesn’t fully comprehend the minimal danger of retail LP cooking equipment. His Neanderthal brain can’t comprehend that a responsible adult can easily manage five gallons of boiling liquid without setting the building on fire.

The concerns I have raised are not unreasonable. The Poodle Nazi invents rules on a whim. Last week he saw me outside putting my grill cover on and demanded that I remove my extra LP tank (for brewing.) I checked the guidebook beforehand and all it says is that you need to keep them 100 feet from the building. When I told him this, his response was that he was going to add “no spare LP tanks” to the guide. What is this, Feudal England? I wish there was something I could do here but unfortunately he’s probably got a lady-in-waiting for the position of “spineless idiot.”

This New Kit Sure Looks Like a Big Pile of Drugs
Now that you fully understand my predicament, I decided that my next batch of beer will be fully brewed indoors with a hose on my porch for rinsing. I’m still worried about it boiling over and leaving my stove a sticky mess, but I found a recipe that only requires 2.5 gallons of the liquid to be boiled. With so little liquid I don’t think the weight will be a problem on my electric range, and I should have plenty of time to control a boil-over before it reaches the top of the pot.

I still need to buy a large ice bucket, since I can’t use my wort chiller indoors, and I also need to buy 5 gallons of good water. I’ll keep you all posted. Wish me luck!

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