Monday, May 14, 2012

Taking Over the World

So apparently over at ZephyrAdventures they're running a little contest. They got together with Draft Magazine, New Belgium Brewing, and Untappd to do this. You can register too, but don't expect to win. Cause I will. I just need to write a post about why I should win, or something vaguely related, and I get put in a hat and I may win a beer adventure with hiking and athleticism and beer and whatnot. Even with my dislike and claustrophobia with hats, that's easy enough. Why should they pick me?

Because it will let me take over the world.

It all starts off with winning, of course. I get all excited, jump up and down and such, probably end up knocking over a chair or two. That's all fine and good. I'll go on the trip, do some hiking, shake some hands. That's where it all starts. I'll hand out a few business cards for A Tale of Two Brewers. Luckily, there will be this crazy wealthy venture capitalist there who has more money than he knows what to do with. That's why they're venture capitalists right? Well he's going to fall in love with me, and the humor that goes on here at A Tale of Two Brewers. He's going to invest in my idea for a brewery. I'll use some of the money to move Nick down here because he'll probably want in on it too.

Sidenote: Nick is still living. He just got a new job and he's been crazy busy. Cut him some slack. He's working on his side of the take-over-the-world plan. We've got a bet for who's taking over the world first. Another reason I need to be picked. If I win, he has to wash my truck.

So he we are, Nick's down here and we open up a brewery. Nikki's brother is all stoked, so we move him down here too (remember: venture capitalist = unlimited cash) and turn it into a brew pub. People dig brew pubs. Something about all the shiny fermenters and food and fresh beer.

Mmmm fresh beer.

So things are going pretty well. I've got some cute girls, including my wife who is of course the head cutie, and not only are they all wearing white tank tops (Nikki looks great in a white tank top), but they're also all educated in beer. You know, beer history, beer styles, breweries, food pairings all that good stuff. These are smart bartenders, that's why we pay them well.

So we continue kicking ass and producing good beer. That's when I hire some corporate schmo to make these brew pubs pop up all over the US. It happens pretty quickly cause my brewpub is awesome. I even take advantage of the whole food truck trend and have a craft beer truck. From time to time I'll ride in it. Just because it seems like fun. That's when the big event happens.

That's when Chuck Norris walks in with the President of the US, and the head of a few other major countries. We'll say Japan, England, Australia, and Norway (Norway girls are hot).  I love hockey (go Rangers), so I suppose Canada can come too, they're alright eh? Anyway, turns out they were having some Summit (since all important meetings with countries are called summits), which is ironic, because there is nothing that could even be mistaken as a summit here in Florida. Well they heard that my place was pretty awesome from Chuck and wanted to try it out. Needless to say they were impressed. We drank and ate until the wee hours of the morning. That's when it all dawned on us.

Beer is better than currency.

Instead of trading in currency we should totally trade in beer. They want me to produce this beer. Not only will it solve the world's economic issues (because it just will), but it will also bring upon world peace. Ever seen a really angry drunk person? They can get violent, but at least they're easy to shoot. Now that the world economy is better, and there's no more wars, people are looking for a different type of unity. If no one wants to fight each other, why not help each other out? And what better way to do that than create a worldwide unified government.

So another Summit (see previous parenthesis) is held. Everyone decided that since I did such a kickass job uniting the world, that I should be the rightful big cheese.

So I get elected.

Thereby ruling the world.

This isn't your iron-fist sort of rule, no. This is more of a 'don't be stupid' rule. No more will there be a person to burn themselves on coffee and sue. Nope. Judges, appointed by me, have the right to walk over and smack the person and say "you're an idiot, case dismissed." Whoever wins a case by the way will get a case of beer. We'll call it "case for a case." I like the sound of that.

Finally with all this currency floating around we fund a team to go colonize Mars. It's an inevitability. I'll let someone else rule Mars.

I'm cool like that.

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