Monday, May 26, 2014

Beereview: Miller Lite

That's right. Miller lite. Why? Because for a little while I'm going to be talking and trashing on some cheap ass beers. I haven't brewed for some time, so can't talk about that. I don't have the luxury now to head to Total Wine and drop 150 bucks on an assortment of random craft beers since I'm trying to pinch my pennies. So why descriminate? Cheap Beers, it's your time to shine.

I've talked cheap beers in the past. Contrary to a beer snob's beliefs, all beer has a place in society. I will reiterate that I would not bring a fancy bottle of St. Bernardus to a tailgate. Hell no. This is exactly where a beer like Miller Lite comes in.

I don't know why I can say I like Miller Lite better than the other lite garbage beers out there. They are all relatively tasteless. Ice cold they almost taste identical. I don't like Coors because it tastes sweet to me... I used to be a big Bud Light fan but that just faded. I'm on a Miller kick for a cheap beer. But it may be because of their fancy gimmicks.

A while back they introduced their box of 12 with the plastic lining. Tear open the top of the box, dump ice in, and you're ready to rock. Admittedly I had little exposure to that one at the time because I was still going to college in upstate New York. It never really got stupid hot there. Sure from time to time, but I was in college, a 12 pack didn't cut it. Also, we didn't have a cool place like the beach to go.

Then came the vortex bottle. God the vortex bottle made me angry. One of the worst parts is my ex actually thought it made a difference. Miller's claim? Swirling the beer made it easier to drink. There's so many things wrong with that idea that I don't know where to start. The ridges in the bottle didn't do anything to alter the movement of the beer. If it had any effect whatsoever, it acted to turbulate the beer so the beer would be more flat going into your mouth so you dealt with less carbonation, therefore making it easier to drink. What sort of vortex were they trying to achieve? A whirlpool? Where's the air going to come from? The only whirlpool you're going to get is if the bottle would be completely upside-down, but the bottle is still going to glug because you have to make up the air from somewhere. That or the bottle would implode sending shattered glass down your vortex filled esophagus. Yum. Seeing those bottles passed around pissed me off on a regular basis.

Then came the punch top. The punch top is god damn fantastic stroke of genius. Check out this side by side strawpedo (which I'll cover some other time). The result is the smoothest chug of beer you can get.
demonstration. The next best thing since the widemouth can. It's your answer to being able to shotgun a beer without having to carve into the side of it with a knife and risk yourself loosing a finger or some greater appendage. This all goes back to what I mentioned above. Beer comes out, air has to go in. That's why beer glugs when you pour it too fast out of a bottle. That glug is the exchange, beer out, air in, beer out, air in. But with a shotgunned beer, you can forego the air gap you need on a bottle of beer when you chug, and just suck it down. The air isn't trying to get in where the beer is coming out. Similar to the

What will they think of next?

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